


Could have, Whould have, Should have.

by Jammelz



Category: Glee, Glee RPF
Genre: Angst, Discussion of Abortion, Infidelity, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-18 18:33:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15492081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jammelz/pseuds/Jammelz
Summary: Darren and Chris were in love. Then the world got involved and they were no more. Or were they?While seeing other people they kept falling back into each other's arms;the physical was easier than the emotional side.This is until one such instance ended up forcing them to reevaluate their relationship and what they really want. Especially how to forgive.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I have been writing this for almost a year now and we all know how much has changed since 2017. So in this fic I am trying to insert some of the real life events, but I am twisting it to fit the premise of this story. In this story Darren is NOT engaged (urgh). I only briefly mention the Oscars and I made a few changes when Chris them had the mini reunion. Also, the timelines of some events are very up and down. Please don’t read this story as if its canon. It’s basically au/canon divergent. 
> 
> Also, I wrote this story before the Naya debacle and she has some dialogue in here that I didn’t want to change. I might twerk it a bit as to not cause any drama and controversy. P.S. I do not support what she did and I try to not comment a lot on it because you know in this fandom anything can spark a drama-fest. I do not address it in this story and after that scene she does not feature in the story.

There's sun streaming through the window in Chris' bedroom as he slowly opens his eyes.

He squints in the light, trying to adjust his eyes, as he realizes someone is brushing their fingers across his back-the reason why he woke up.

He smacks his lips together a few times, trying to get rid of the cotton-mouth feeling.

"Hey, sleepy-head", he hears from behind him.  
"Hmm", he answers, too lazy to turn around and deal with his reality right now. He closes his eyes again and feels the warmth of the sun on his eyelids.

He hears a soft chuckle, and a shiver runs through him as the fingers slowly traces his hairline; softly touching the skin on his neck. 

Its one of the many places they discovered as an erogenous zone on his body.

"I gotta take off; they're gonna have my ass if I'm late for my flight. I already have to ready myself for a massive lecture; don't want to aggravate the bear any further". 

"Hmmm, okay."

There's movement behind him, and Chris feels as a slightly warm hand rest on the curve of his naked-'shit I'm naked'-ass; squeezing it slightly. He feels the bed dip and hot breath on his exposed left shoulder.

"It was great, uh, catching up with you Chris", and he seals it with a kiss on Chris' shoulder blade that lingers a few seconds.

Chris softly snort-laughs and hears a chuckle in response as the warmth of his proximity disappears and Chris hears him standing up from the bed.

"Talk later?"

"Mmm, sure", Chris mumbles, eyes still closed. He lazily moves his left leg up, bending it to lay more comfortable across the bed now that he's the only one occupying it. He forgets that he's naked and that for some reason all the bedding is covering are his calves.

The reminder of his nakedness comes in the form of a quick smack to his ass. "You're really making me want to get back into bed with you Colfer, fuck".

Chris laughs and orders gently, "Go. And don't forget to lock the door; don't let Cooper get out".

"I won't. See you", comes the reply near his bedroom door.

"Bye," Chris says. A minute or so later, he hears the front door close.

Chris brushes his hand through his hair, heaves a deep sigh and then pushes his face into his pillow.  
He's more awake now and not ready to face himself and his decisions.

Turning around and laying on his bed; he puts his hand in his hair again and stares at the ceiling, "Fuck".


	2. Chapter 2

"You look perky", Alla says sarcastically with a smirk as Chris sits down across from her at the little coffee shop they always meet up for meetings.

"Urgh", comes the reply, "Not in the mood for sunshine and rainbows today Alla".

"Or...not so perky. What's up with you? I thought you left the event early last night".

"I did. I went to an after after party though...Thank you", he adds when the waiter brings him coffee, which he assumes Alla ordered. He takes his light scarf off that he put on this morning to cover his shame. He takes a sip of his coffee, closing his eyes as he swallows.

"Ooh. I'm guessing you met up with Will there? I thought he was out of town until next week".

"Mmm, no? He is out of town. I went with Amber. What makes you ask that?” he asks, eyes still half closed.

"Well...you have a giant hickey on your neck and he is your boyfriend, sooo", she trails off, looking at him suspiciously.

"Wha-...shit". He touches the mark as he looks up at her. The shock is evident in his voice and facial expression.

Alla turns her head to the side and looks at Chris. He doesn't like the way she looks at him; she has always been way too perceptive for his liking.

"Chris", she says, her tone sounding very close to a warning.

"Shouldn't we be discussing my appearances for the next couple of weeks? Isn't this why you called this meeting", he puts down his coffee, takes his scarf and puts it around his neck again; effectively hiding the offensive red mark.

"Chris", Alla begins seriously, "you know I don't pry into your private life. But I need to know some things just in case it can hurt you-and your career and image-in the long run okay?"

"I know, I know", he picks up his coffee again and runs his hand through his hair.

"Okay, uhm. It wasn't Will. And just to clear things up-Will and I kind of aren't together anymore."

"What?? Since when?"

"Since...I dunno, a while. It’s been up and down. So it’s not...off, nor is it completely on either".

"Shit, I'm sorry Chris", she reaches over the table and touches Chris' hand.

"I'm not heartbroken about it or anything. It’s been a long time coming", he says, waving her off.  
"Wait...so, if he's not here and you aren't really together than who...NO."

Just by looking at Chris' face she immediately knows with who Chris was last night. He looks guiltily down at the table cloth, avoiding any eye contact.

She has known this boy (Man) for years. And she knows he isn't the type to sleep around. So if he does sleep with someone that is Not Will, than she knows exactly who it was.

"You slept with Darren?!” she hisses across to him.

"Shhh! Keep your voice down, Alla". He looks around, trying to scan who is all in the shop. It doesn't seem like anyone is paying them any attention though.

"I'm sorry, I'm just...He wasn't even at the event!"

"I know okay...he showed up at the party with some other guys and...we got to talking. Don't worry; I know it was a huge mistake. I'm already feeling like a walking shameful regretful cliché. Please don't lecture me", he heaves a sigh and he looks so defeated and guilt ridden that Alla swallows all her retorts.

"It just makes me worried a bit though. You know I like Darren, but..."

"I know, he's not good for me. It’s also...not the first time this has happened. I just never told you".

From Chris' point of view, Alla looks almost comical with her mouth open and eyes popping.

"Christopher Colfer...What the hell!!!"

"I'm sorry I really am! I know, if anything slipped it would have been career suicide, I know. It’s just...before you say anything..."

He takes a deep breath, and starts telling Alla everything she needs to know. He knows if anyone had seen or heard anything, it would have been shit on both of their teams-hell someone have seen them together before! Luckily nothing came from that 'rumor'.

"We have been talking and we hooked up two other times but-",

It looks like Alla wants to say something, but he continues talking before she could.

"But...last night was the last, okay? Last night was...different. It was...emotional. It hadn't happened in a while. I could see he was feeling a bit rebellious and I was...I realized after he left that the situation that he's in and the decisions he makes...I won't ever really be okay with it. Doesn't matter whatever leftover feelings I have for him. I can't put myself through that wringer again. So, yeah. That's...done with", he sighs, his body slump, and takes a sip of his now slightly cold coffee.

"Can we start this little meeting now", Chris ask sheepishly, almost desperate.

Alla puts her hair behind her ears, gives him a sympathetic smile and takes out her diary. "Okay Chris. Just...I'm your friend too, so you can talk to me. And as your publicist, please keep me in the loop. I care about your career, but I care about you and your well-being too okay?"

"Okay. And thank you".

**

A month and a half has passed, and Chris has all but forgotten about being with Darren that night.

He has texted him here and there, but he has been keeping himself distant.

After the last time he saw Darren there has been more straight promotion on Darren’s side and that was what cemented his distant behavior towards him.

He has done this with him before. And he not living his truth was what made Chris break when they dated. He understands the difficulty that is being in the closet in Hollywood; whether you're gay, bi, pan, etc. He understands the loneliness, the depression, the desperation...he gets it.

Chris just hated that Darren made him feel like a second choice; like the idea of actually publicly being with him is the worst thing for Darren and his reputation. He hated fighting for time spent and he hated feeling like Darren’s dirty little secret.

The relationship almost ruined him. He loved Darren; he could see them getting married one day. But once it became obvious that things weren’t going to change, he had to leave. Hell, he wasn’t even the one who woke him up about the reality of that relationship.

He was falling into depression again; he hasn’t felt it in a very long time. He was losing weight, he was unhappy at work and he was beginning to shut off. The ‘relationship’ with Mia started to look more real than theirs, even though Darren came home with and to him most nights.

***

He came home to their place in New York one Friday afternoon after visiting some bookstores that were selling his books and a meeting with his publisher.

Both he and Darren had business to attend in New York and they thought why not make it a three day weekend, after surprisingly both having an extra day off. He knew Darren also had to meet some people in connection to his new gig as Hedwig in Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

When he stepped into their place, the first thing he sees are take-out boxes on the coffee table. He then hears Darren’s laughter coming from his bedroom and follows it.

When he steps into their bedroom he doesn’t see Darren, but he sees Mia sitting on their bed facing forward to where Darren’s voice in coming from. The en-suit bathroom, apparently.

“I honestly don’t know what to wear right now. I’ve shown you like, four outfits already and all you can say is ‘it’s good’. Seriously Mia, I have to leave a good impres-oh! Hey babe.” Darren is walking out of the bathroom, a white shirt half open, while trying to roll up the sleeves.

Chris is kind of dumbfounded at the scene in front of him.

“Hey Chris,” Mia says as she looks his way, shifting her attention back to Darren.

Darren is still shuffling about and only looks up when Chris doesn’t reply to either one of them. Chris puts down his bag he had been carrying on the floor; a bit louder than intended.

When Darren looks at Chris again he can see the tension in how his jaw is set.

Chris doesn’t look away from Darren and Darren then gets the silent message.

“Mia can you give us a minute?” Darren asks.

“Sure, no problem. Remember the car is coming in less than an hour”, Mia replies as she stands up and makes her way out of the room. Chris stands to the side to let her pass while giving her a strained smile.

Once she is out of the room, Darren speaks again.

“That was rude”. He moves forward to give Chris a kiss on the lips, but receives Chris’ cheek.

“Oookay. Chris what is wrong?”

“Uhm, why is she here? And why is she in our bedroom and on our bed?”

“She’s going with me to the event and then we are going to a pub afterwards, maybe Marie’s Crisis. I thought I told you?”

“No you fucking didn’t Darren?!” more loudly than he intended.

“Hey, why are you yelling?” Darren takes a step closer to Chris and tries to take his hands, but Chris won’t allow it. Darren’s confusion about Chris’ reaction is written all over his face and that somehow makes Chris angrier.

“You see, this is what I am talking about, but for some reason you just can’t see it. You didn’t tell me she was going with you-“

“It’s not a big deal babe, it’s just-“

“It’s just for your bearding, yeah I know” Chris sees Darren flinch and feels like an asshole immediately.

“I’m sorry. But…Darren for godsake. This weekend was for us. And now you are going out drinking with her. I can barely handle that she’s constantly on your arm these days, now she’s imposing on OUR time and for fucks sake, she’s on our bed!” Chris is red in the face at the end of his rant.

“It’s not like she has a disease or anything” Darren comes to her defense.

Chris stares at Darren with a slack jaw. “Are you serious right now? You see NOTHING wrong with any of this? Darren…are you, are you into her?”

Chris is scared to hear the answer.

“Baby of course not!” Darren steps closer to Chris and this time he allows Darren to take his hands. “I like her as a friend. And tonight is just work okay. I’m sorry; I will make it up to you tomorrow okay. I love you Chris, you know that; more than anything.”

As Darren leans forward to kiss Chris, he pulls his mouth away again.

“Please let me kiss you. The last time I kissed you was this morning and I missed you”

Hearing the softness in his voice and seeing the love in Darren’s eyes makes Chris give in and kiss him. It quickly goes from a peck to almost making out, until they’re interrupted by Mia’s voice at their bedroom door.

“Oh, sorry. Uh, Darren the car is here” she states and goes back into the living room.

Chris went from going soft while kissing Darren and seeing his love, to annoyed again and hurt at seeing the utter lack of understanding on Darren’s face.  
“Babe, I gotta go. Walk me out?” Darren asks as he grabs his jacket, phone and wallet.

Chris doesn’t say anything, just follows Darren to the door and gives him a goodbye kiss. “You kids have fun”, he jokes stiffly.

Darren laughs as he opens the door and waves goodbye, but Mia is the one that that replies. She does so by taking Darren’s hand, turning around and laughing while saying, “We will thanks”.

Chris doesn’t want to be the clichéd bitchy gay guy, but he swears he would slap a bitch. The bitch being Mia.

He takes a deep breathe, exhales and starts towards the kitchen to fix himself something to eat while he watches trashy tv, since he is going to be alone whole night.

Just before he reaches the kitchen, the front door opens again and Mia enters.

“You forgot something?” Chris asks, not bothering to sound friendly. Mia knows Chris does not like her and he never hides it either.

“Sorry, I forgot my phone on the kitchen counter” She answers as she passes him.

When she comes back out to where Chris is standing in the living room, she stops a few feet away from him.

“Look Chris, I know you don’t like me. You don’t try to hide it either”

Chris just shrugs in acknowledgment at that.

”But we both know this bearding isn’t gonna stop any time soon either. And just so you know, you don’t have to worry about anything happening between Darren and me.”

“I’m not worried”

“Okay cool. Also, this jealous act is doing nothing but pushing him away. Contrary to what you believe, Darren and I are actually friends and he talks to me. Just let him be, or let him go”.

With that she turned around and left out the door.  
After that night Chris became more aware of the friendship between Darren and Mia. And even though he knew Darren would never cheat on him, what broke them apart was Darren’s continuous ignorance to what he is doing to Chris and their relationship.

***

He decided that he'll be there to support Darren if he needs a sound mind, a reprieve, someone to talk to.

But he also knows that that will never be all when it comes to the two of them. So, a clean break is probably the best route. Alla agrees.

It’s silly; stupid even, because he is exactly where he was with Darren at the beginning of their breakup. It’s like his head and heart forgot that he has had the same conversations and feelings with and for this man.

Nevertheless, he has been trying to keep his head on his career. He spoke to Will since he came back and he told him that the on and off thing should stop. He will make appearances with him by his side if he has to; he will drop his name where it’s needed. They just...can't be together anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2 

"Should I be worried that you're taking so many pills at once", Jenna asks as she stands by the kitchen counter, watching Chris pop one pill after the other. 

A few of the Glee cast are getting together for a small glee reunion and Jenna, along with Amber and Chris decided to uber to the restaurant. Jenna and Amber decided to come to Chris’ house and travel with Chris to the restaurant seeing as Chris volunteered as designated driver.

Chris rolls his eyes playfully while he wipes his mouth with his sleeve.

"Maybe", he says with a smirk. He caps the water bottle and puts it back in the fridge. "I went to the pharmacy earlier to pick up more of that stomach flu medication I had. I thought it was gone like, a month ago. But I've been feeling nauseous again for like, two weeks now".

"I guess you're not drinking tonight than, that sucks. We could have just ubered to the restaurant and back you know", Jenna says as she picks up her glass of white wine from the counter; her idea of pre-gaming for what was only decided to be a dinner.

"Oh hell no, what am I hearing about not drinking tonight?" comes Ambers' voice from the living room as she approaches the kitchen.

"Oh my god, am I gonna be pressured in to drinking tonight? Am I 18 again?"

"Chris is hopped up on medication and can't drink tonight", says Jenna likes she’s tattletaling. 

"Nooo, I haven't seen you in a while Chris. I miss tipsy Chris", Amber pouts as she goes to stand next to Chris, her head on his shoulder.

"Oh please, you just want to badger me with personal questions which I don't intend to get into tonight. I already got hammered at that Oscars event and I only drank like, one glass. It’s these meds.”

Amber laughs out loud, "HA! I saw that". This earns her an eye roll from Chris, while Jenna giggles into her glass.

“Plus, I went to that after party with you a few months back" Chris continuous, ignoring Amber and Jenna like he wasn’t interrupted.

"Okay, okay I won't pressure you", Amber says with a laugh as she throws herself a glass of wine from the bottle standing on the kitchen counter. 

"But what's wrong, boo?" Amber goes on to ask as she leans against the kitchen counter and looks at Chris as he bustles around the kitchen looking for his car keys.

"I think I have the stomach flu again. I thought it was gone, but I've been nauseated for about two weeks again now. Just the smell of certain foods makes me want to hurl" he explains further as he finally finds his keys and pockets it. 

"You pregnant?" Amber asks matter of fact.

"Are you serious? OMG, you’re actually serious, you’re not even smiling while asking that!” Chris says with a laugh, "No I'm not Amber, geez. It’s just this stupid bug that's got me again".

"It’s a valid question." She says with a small shrug.

"It is" comes Jenna's reply, her cheeks flush from the wine. 

"Guys, no. I'm not pregnant", Chris says wanting to end that line of conversation. "So tonight I'll just play the designated driver since you're all old and can't handle your drink anymore. That’s probably why you guys were so adamant that you want to uber to my house". 

He mumbles the last part and as he says it he moves slowly away from Amber and Jenna.

"Hey! We're not that old! Come here!” Amber puts down her finished glass, grabs the damp dish towel on the counter and runs after a laughing Chris down the hallway.

**

"So, why are Darren, Lea and Chord not in our midst?” Jenna asks, even though she knows the answers that she will get. The wine might have had a bit of an effect.

They have arrived at the restaurant about a half an hour ago and are all sitting and chatting, waiting for everyone to arrive. The only ones that are there already of the cast are Chris, Jenna, Kevin, Amber, Naya, Vanessa, Becca and Heather. 

"Because this is a no-social media and no-promo zone, thank you very much", says Naya as she sips on her wine and flicks her hair. 

They all laugh and refrain from saying anything.   
Amber looks at Becca, knowing she and Lea are friends. They all know it’s the truth though, and yes, they have all done it to get promotion for their works and to stay relevant, but their friendships still is just that...a friendship. Well, to some of them. Not everyone sitting at the table always see eye to eye, but it’s enough to stay civil. It might not be all over social media, but they still like to get together now and then. 

"Wait...let's just take one picture", says Heather. They all groan but laugh because they just talked about no-social media. They move into the frame of the picture as she holds her phone up and says 'smile!'

"Darren is gonna be so pissed when he sees this. I can't believe you didn't invite him, Chris", says Jenna as she sits back in her seat and picks up her glass. She smiles slyly, knowing full well what Chris' reaction will be.

"Why me? This dinner wasn't my idea!" Chris defends himself. "Besides it’s not like we talk really."

“I think all of them were invited. Besides, this was all last minute.” Kevin answers with a shrug.

"We all know he would not have come alone. And personally I am glad he didn’t come...I don't have the energy for That", says Naya, with emphasis on 'that'.  
Amber bursts out laughing, "Naya! You sound very bitter." 

"I'm just saying!" Naya defends herself while laughing lightly. She looks over at Chris and says, "I still don't understand why you'd let her take Darren from you."

"She didn't take him from me Naya, he went willingly, so I left him", Chris deadpans, cutting her off and wanting to escape where this conversation was heading. He's cautious of the company they were in, knowing full well some of them are friends with both Darren and Mia.

"Still. You were gonna get married!"

"Don't be dramatic, Naya", Chris says, "We were not".  
"I rooted for you guys", Naya says with a pout, her cheeks red. "He-"

"How many drinks have you had", Chris asks laughingly.

"A few", Naya answers and laughs as she lifts he glass in cheers.

Chris puts a hand in front of his eyes and laughs silently. 

"I can't with you Naya, oh my god."

He does not feel offended at all, or even angry at Naya. Naya doesn’t care and never really had a filter, and he is used to it-knowing she didn't mean any harm. She was and is still slightly angry at Darren about what happened. 

"I'm joking, I only had one glass, I swear. And I know you love me Chris. I'm happy with it just being you guys. So can we stop talking about them? Can we order some drinks?" She squint her eyes as a flash blinds her vision for a second; she finds its Heather taking pictures. "Heather! Stop taking pictures, omg, you're gonna blind me!”

Chris laughs as he stands up, "I'm going bathroom quickly guys" everyone mumbles an okay and Chris weaves his way around the tables to the restaurant bathroom.  
*  
They're all talking and laughing when Amber hears her phone beep with a message.

Chris: Do you have a mint or bubble gum on you? And if you do can you bring it out front, I’m standing outside.  
"I’ll be right back, for some reason Chris is standing outside." says Amber to the table.

“What’s wrong?” Jenna asks, knowing that Chris is battling with the stomach flu.

“I don’t know, probably not feeling well again.” She answers as she stands up from the table.

Amber finds him out front leaning against the restaurant wall. He is standing with his head titled up, eyes closed, his cheeks and neck red.

"Chris? Are you okay?” She touches his arm to get his attention when he doesn’t respond to her.

Chris startles slightly and then looks at her. “Oh, hey. Sorry about that. Do you have a sweet for me?”

Amber retrieves the mints she put in her jean pocket and hands it over to Chris. “What’s wrong Chris? You look slightly pale, but your cheeks are super red.” She puts the back of her hand against his forehead.

He shakes her hand off and pops the mint in his mouth. “I’m fine now. Just needed some fresh air. I uh, I kind of threw up”

Amber’s eyes go wide. “What? Are you okay?? Do you want to go home?”

Chris waves her off, “No no, I’m okay now. I was coming out of the bathroom and a waiter was walking past me with something that made my stomach do somersaults. I had to run back to the bathroom; luckily there was no one in there, urgh. This is the first time I actually threw up since I've started to get sick. I didn't even throw up when I got it the first time months ago."

Amber regards him silently. "And you sure you’re better now?" She asks with a frown on her face as she goes to stands next to him, making way for people passing by. 

"I am, yeah. Thanks. The fresh air is doing me good.” he turns his head to her and sees her looking at him with a worried frown. "What?” he asks.

"Just...are you sure you're not pregnant Chris?" she asks carefully but serious.

"Oh my god, Amber! Stop with that. I'm not, okay? I haven't had sex in like, two months. And I'm on birth control anyway, so."

She throws up her hands in surrender, "But, still though. I'm just worried okay. You don't even have a fever or anything that goes with having stomach flu...” she trails off when she sees Chris looking at her with a done expression. She laughs lightly, "okay, not pregnant".

"Thank you,” he says with emphasis. “We can go in now, I’m feeling better.”


	4. Chapter 4

A week later and Chris' stomach flu seems to have gotten worse. It’s not just nausea now. Its actual throwing up and it’s happening almost every day. 

He has been taking the stomach flu medicine; even paired it with nausea pills, but it doesn't help. 

Amber keeps badgering him to go to the doctor even though she's halfway across the world. He suppresses the urge to roll his eyes every time she sends him a message to ask whether he made an appointment yet.

He assures her that he is okay and that the nausea will pass; he assures her even though he's getting panicky about the nausea not going away. 

He knows it’s irresponsible of him, but he just really hates going to the doctor.

So, he tries to ride it out and ignore the red flags.

*

He's having a lazy Sunday; just sitting on his couch surrounded by chocolate, chocolate chip cookies and bowl of microwave popcorn. He's watching Harry Potter and stuffing his face to his heart’s desire. Despite being sick, and knowing he'll be throwing everything up again later, he has a constant hunger gnawing at his insides.

He's just getting up to get a diet coke when his phone goes off with a message.

-Amber: Guess who I saw sitting front row at the show tonight?

-Chris: I dunno, Beyonce? Aren't you BUSY right now? Why are you texting??

-Amber: I'm in my dressing room taking a break-sshhh. Anyway, no, I WISH it was Bey. It was Darren.

Chris pauses for a second-just a second-before he replies.

-Chris: Ookay? That's nice of him. Showing support and what not.

-Amber: Yeah, I'm kinda surprised. He's probably in London for business or something. Anyway, I'll probably be in LA again by Thursday or Friday. And so help me God, you better have news from a doctor-and not symptoms you Googled! I'll see you then, okay?  
Chris giggles as he reads the message. He knew she would say something about him seeing a doctor.

-Chris: Okay MOM, bye. Enjoy.

***

Darren knocks on the door to Ambers' dressing room as he adjusts the flowers he bought her as a 'You were amazing!' token.

He turns to Mia who's on her phone, standing next to him, "I'm just gonna speak to her for 5 minutes then we can head to dinner okay?" 

She looks up quickly and nods her head and replies, "Sure". She rakes her fingers through her hair, trying to flatten it, but stops mid-raking when Darren speaks again.

"And don't,..take any pictures or snapchats, please. I don't want any media to know we're in London".

She rolls her eyes playfully, and laughs lightly, "I won't".  
Darren turns back to the door just as it opens, revealing Amber in a purple robe.

"Darren! I knew that was you in the front row! So great to see you. Come in". She opens the door wider and moves aside to let them step inside.

She closes the door and turns back to them with a big smile on her face. 

"Mia, hey. How are you?” she asks as she gives her a light hug.

"I'm good; you were so great, wow", she says as she rakes her fingers through her brownish blonde hair again.

"You were amazing Amber, really. I might have wanted to cry a few times", Darren says with a laugh, "Here, this is for you." He says as he gives Amber the flowers, with a little bow.

"Oh stop it!” she waves him off bashfully and takes the flowers. "Thank you so much, they're beautiful”, she says; giving Darren a hug. "Let me just put these in some water. Sit, sit".

As Darren and Mia sits down on the couch in a corner of the room, Amber looks for a vase in another corner that serves as a small kitchenette.

"I'm so glad you could come. It’s been a while since I've seen you hey". She has located an empty vase and is putting tap water in. Once she has put the flowers in, she places it on an open space on her dressing table.

"Yeah, not since that party about two months ago."

"Oh yes, I remember. I went with Chris that night...some party", Amber laughs lightly and looks at Darren with a gleam of amusement in her eyes. She goes to sit down across from them at her dressing table. In the corner of her eye she sees Mia look up from where she was busy on her phone. Amber tries not to look at her; not knowing what she does and does not know.

Darren laughs and a blush forms high on his cheeks. "Yeah that was fun. It’s been a while since I hung out with everyone in a non-work related way."

"Mmm, that’s true hey." Amber replies with an eyebrow twerk and a smile. 

"But how are you?? You were so amazing; I was just...struck speechless by you tonight!"

Amber smiles, noticing how he quickly steered the conversation away from the party and cast gatherings. She proceeds to tell him a bit about the show and how she's experiencing it. She asks about what he has been up to and tries to include Mia as much as she can; trying to not make her feel excluded from the conversation.

They've never really talked; its not that she completely dislikes her, they're just never in a situation where there is a need for it. And if Amber is being honest, a part of her distance is because she knows the reason why Mia is even in the picture is due to the rumors about Chris and Darren years ago. Well that and the fact that she's part of the reason Chris and Darren broke up.

Also, well...Amber has been on the receiving end of emotional, distraught venting sessions with Chris about the whole bearding situation one too many times. Amber might have her biases, but she'll always be polite. Even though four years ago she would not have been.

There's a knock on the door that interrupts their conversation, and Amber stands up to look who it is. It’s one of the security guards that manages backstage. 

"Hey Joe, whatsup?" Joe is a big guy; always dressed in black, very serious. Amber grew to like him and not feel so intimidated by him after she caught him watching funny animal videos one night.

"There are some people here to see you; they're waiting in the lobby. Should I go call them?"

"Just give me a few minutes; I have some guest inside"  
"Okay no problem"

 

She closes the door and turns back to Darren and Mia.  
"Sorry about that guys"

"It’s okay. We should probably head out; we have a reservation we can't miss. It was really awesome catching up with you Amber", Darren says as he stands up, followed by Mia.

"Auw man, it was really great to see you. Don't be a stranger okay", Amber says as she goes to hug Darren then Mia.

Darren laughs lightly, "I'll try", Amber gives him an unimpressed look, which makes Darren laugh louder.  
"Can I take picture with you?” he asks as he takes his phone out.

"Of course! Why do you even ask?!” Amber asks, as she rolls her eyes playfully.

Mia gives Darren a look as Darren hands his phone to her to take a picture. "I thought you said no pictures?”

"I'm not going to post it; its for me", Darren replies with a shrug. He moves in next to Amber and poses for two pictures; one where she hugs him with her arms around his waist, and one where he kisses her cheek.

"Niice", he drawls when he looks at the pictures.

"Can I have one too?” comes Mia's voice. Darren looks up from his phone at her; now giving her a look. 

"I'm not going to post it; it’s for me", she repeats with a laugh; which makes Darren roll his eyes slightly, but give in. 

Amber looks between the two; noticing the slight tension, but chooses not to say anything. She moves next to them and smiles as Mia take the selfie.

"Thank you Amber. Again, you were amazing", Mia says as she walks to the door and opens it; waiting for Darren.

"Thanks Mia. See you guys", Amber replies. She walks to the mini fridge and takes out a bottle of water. Looking up, she sees Darren still standing in his spot. She lifts an inquisitive eyebrow at him.

"I'll be with you in a second, just gotta ask Amber something", Darren says to Mia as she looks back and sees Darren still standing by Amber. She nods, steps out and leaves the door half open.

Turning back to Amber, he asks her what he's wanted to ask since he brought up the party.

"Uhm...how's Chris? I haven't spoken to him in a while and I haven't seen him since the Oscar event. We didn’t really get a chance to speak alone", he asks, wringing his hands. 

Amber puts down the bottle and shakes her head with a laugh. "You", she says and points a finger at him. She leans back against her dresser and looks at him while shaking her head and smiling.

"What?” he asks with a laugh. He sits on the arm of the couch and looks at her; waiting for her reply with his hands in his lap. She just looks at him for a second, then says, “Can I ask you something first though?” suddenly serious.

Darren sits up a bit straighter, "Sure, yes. Ask away".  
"You and Mia? Are you two officially together now?"  
He looks down to his lap for a second. He looks up again and pushes a falling curl out of his face; huffing out an awkward laugh.

He knows why's she's asking; it’s especially evident considering he just asked Mia to wait outside while he stays behind to ask Chris' best friend about how he is. Chris who is his ex-boyfriend, and recent lover.

He licks his lip, then biting the bottom lip as though his contemplating his answer. "Well...uhm, kind of. I mean, yes, yes we...we're together now".

Amber nods her head up and down, showing she's listening to him and taking in what he's saying.

"This...this happened after, you know. After Chris and I got together last...Last at that party", Darren says, almost nervous. Amber bites her lip in amusement.

"Just so you know, I didn't mess around on either of them", Darren explains, his eyebrows halfway up his hairline and eyes big.

"Darren, I didn't even know you guys got together that night", Amber explains, laughing. "I left early".

"Oh".

"Yeah, oh," Amber laughs. "And he's fine Darren", she answers his previous question; relieving him from his awkwardness. 

"Fine? Is that all?"

"What do you want me to say? He's doing okay. He's been sick for a while now and-"

"Sick? What's wrong with him?” Darren asks in a rush; worried. 

"He's been battling a stomach virus for weeks now, but he refuses to go to the doctor. He's been throwing up a lot, but you know, he would rather self-medicate", she says with a shrug, although the worry still bleeds through her words.

Darren laughs lightly, "Chris hates going to the doctor".

"I know, urgh", she says with frustration. She picks up the water bottle again, and takes a sip. "I told him when I fly back in this week I'm dragging his ass to the doctor. He can't be buying and drinking the same pills he was prescribed before; it’s obviously not working", she says, as she waves the bottle around while explaining.

"He is really stubborn", Darren says, "You're gonna have to really drag him there," Just getting that image in his head makes him laugh. It gets Amber laughing too.

"I asked him if he was pregnant and he looked at me as though he wanted to smack me", Amber says and laughs; shaking her head.

"NO", Darren laughs; he's eyes big, "You know how he gets with the mere mention of him and pregnancy!"

"I know, but it really crossed my mind though. He's always nauseated and he threw up last I saw him."

"That's all symptoms of a stomach virus too Amber", Darren says fondly. 

She waves him off and tsk with her tongue "Whatever", she laughs, "I like getting a rise out of him now and then though".

Darren shakes his head and laughs quietly. "Man, I remember before he went on the pill; he was super paranoid, sometimes almost to the point where he wanted me to double-" he's gesturing with his hands over his crotch area, and stops mid-sentence as Amber interrupts him. 

"Oh no no no, Darren TMI!", Amber yells, much to Darren's amusement; who's laughing so loud that Mia pokes her head back in the room.

"Please take him outa here", Amber says as she stands up to push a still laughing Darren out the door. "I always forget how nasty you are after you get all the politeness out the way."

"You wound me", Darren says with his hands on his chest; a mock hurt expression on his face.

He moves forward and hugs her again as a goodbye. "Please don't tell him I asked after him; I have a feeling he doesn't want to speak to me", Darren says softly in Amber's ear while hugging her.

Amber nods minutely. "Okay", she says as he let's go and moves towards the door. "Bye, Darren." He waves as he falls into step next to Mia; walking down the hallway towards the exit.

She watches as Mia and Darren disappear around the corner. She's debating whether she should tell Chris about this whole encounter at all.

She knows for a fact that Chris doesn't want to speak to Darren; weak spot or not. And by the looks of it, despite the slight tension, Darren and Mia are actually together. Maybe not a full on relationship, but definitely...something.

She closes the door behind her and sinks into the couch. "Well...” she says out loud with a big sigh.


	5. 5a

Despite the hunger he felt on Sunday, he barely eats anything the next day or Tuesday. He feels weak and barely gets out of bed.

He calls Alla on Monday to cancel their production meeting, saying he's not feeling well. 

She moves it to the next day since its not many people attending, but Chris calls the next morning again to cancel.

Alla is on his doorstep within an hour, saying she made an appointment with his doctor and he has to go. She insists on driving, despite Chris' protests. He begs her to not wait for him though, since he knows she moved around some appointments of her own.

"I'll just call a taxi Alla, you don't have to wait for me", he tells her, aspirated, as he waits for his name to be called.

"Are you sure? I can easily reschedule some things".

"Alla", Chris says, giving her a look that makes her throw her hands in the air. 

"Fine. But you're calling me later to tell me how it went okay?"

"Yes yes, go. They're calling me in. See you. Thanks for bringing me ".

He watches her leave, and then is brought out of his reverie when the receptionist calls his name again.

*

"Mr. Colfer?"

Chris looks up at his doctor. Dr. Adams; Janine as she insists Chris calls her. She's taking a seat across from him and looking at him with a worried expression, though still trying to smile.

"Did you hear what I said?" 

"Uhm, I'm sorry what?" Chris asks, confused as all hell. 'She did not just say what I think she did', he thinks. He grips the ends of the examination bed that he has been sitting on for the duration of his time in his doctors' office.

"I said that you are about 7 weeks along in your pregnancy. Congratulations", she smiles at him, turns around on the chair and gestures to the phone, "Now, I can call one of the nurses to bring in the ultrasound machine so you can take a look at your baby, if you'd like?"

"No no no no, wait. What? That can't be it. I came in because I have this stomach bug...thing that doesn't want to go away. And you're telling me...no." Chris feels his heart beating faster and his neck growing sweaty. 'This can't be true. This can't be true', he repeats this mantra in his head over and over and completely misses Janine standing in front of him, saying his name with her hands on his shoulders.

"Chris...Chris!” he finally looks up at her. She gives him a glass of cool water that brings down the heat in his face and neck a little bit. 

"Breathe for me okay", he nods as he takes big gulps of the water. 

"Now, from your reaction I'm guessing this news is not...expected?" she asks him as she sits down on the chair in front of him again.

"No, definitely Not", he agrees. "But how can I be pregnant. I'm on the pill and its never failed me before. I..I.."

"You told me when you came in earlier that you've been taking some medication, some pills for the stomach flu and nausea right?"

He nods his head, not understanding what she's getting at. 

"You bought these pills over the counter right?"

"The new ones, yes, but so? 2 months ago I was still drinking the prescribed pills. The doctor did explain about birth control, but I was using the last of the pills and was feeling a bit better, so I just assumed..." he trails off, taking a deep breath and raking his fingers through his hair.

"Mr Colfer, sometimes if you are suffering from a stomach virus or had bad bouts of diarrhea, birth control absorption can be affected; especially paired with certain medication you might have been taking. I know...its a shitty thing that happens. The doctor should have explained the importance of the use of condoms while on these medication too".

"He did. I just...” Chris trails off softly, bowing his head, looking down at his hands. He feels like he has been kicked in the gut. 

"I know", Janine responds just as soft.

"Chris-", she begins.

"Is it too late for an abortion?" Chris asks and looks up at her.

The question seems to take her off guard, but ever the professional, she regains her composure.

"No it’s not. After the 3rd month we normally don't recommend it, especially for men. However, you're not two months yet, so you can still have one if you're absolutely sure", she explains slowly.

"I'm sure", Chris answers with conviction.

"Okay, I'm not trying to change your mind okay-"

"Then don't", he interjects.

"But it is my responsibility as your doctor to give you all the options there are okay?". She waits until Chris nods his head before she goes on.

"First, I have to ask if the other father is your boyfriend, or..."

"He's not. We're not together, so it makes the decision easier. He wouldn't care".

"Okay. The other options are, as you probably know, adoption and keeping the baby; but we've established that you don't..."

"No".

"Okay. So Chris, I'm going to give you a day or two to think okay? I'm going to make an appointment for Friday for you to come in, than we can go through with your decision. But I'm giving you the rest of the week to think about this. Is that okay?” she places her hand briefly on his to ensure understanding.

"I don't need to-", Chris starts to protest.

"Please do, Chris. You're emotional right now and its not a decision to be taken lightly".

He looks down at his hands and takes a deep breath. "Okay. But I don't...I don't want to do it here."

"How do you mean?"

"I want to do it outside of LA. There are too many prying eyes; I'd like it if the whole world doesn’t know about this"

"No, its completely understandable".

Chris climbs off the examination bed and takes his keys, wallet and phone. "I will call in the week if anything changes. I doubt it will, but yeah", he says with a shrug.

"Before you go, let me just write you up a prescription for the nausea okay?"

"Okay". He waits and watches Janine write out his prescription.

"You got someone to drive you back or?"

"I'm gonna take a taxi. Thanks Janine.” She nods as he takes the sheet of paper and walks out the door.


	6. 5b

On his way home from the doctor, then the pharmacy the taxi quickly stopped at, Chris sits and thinks back to the stupid decision that led him to the predicament he's in now.

That stupid stupid night. 

=== 

They were at Adam Lambert's apartment. It was crowded; people were dancing, sitting around and drinking. There were some less that legal activities happening as well, but he chose to turn a blind eye.

Amber came with him, although these kinds of parties weren't always her scene. But Adam basically begged him and he didn't want to go alone.

By the time Darren and some friends of his showed up, Chris was a little tipsy and feeling loose in all the right places. He didn't want to drink too much since he has to finish his medication for the stupid stomach virus he has.

He's standing and talking to Adam in his kitchen when Amber let's him know she's heading home since she has a plane to catch later that day. He debates going with her, but Adam gives him a pouty look and he decides to stay a while longer.

A while longer turns into almost 3 hours. By that time he finds himself dancing with a slightly tipsy Darren plastered to his back.

The party has quieted down a bit, a few people dancing; a lot of them are sitting and talking, some making out. 'Use me' of Sam Dew is playing, and its making Chris and Darren feel as though they're alone; the air crackling with sexual tension. Darren is slowly grinding his hips against Chris' ass to the low bass of the song. Chris lets his head fall to Darren's shoulder with his hands in Darren's hair as he moves with Darren to the song.

Darren isn't always this open, even in places like these where no one will judge. It feels like he wants everyone to see, and Chris just goes with it, no questions asked. He feels Darren leaving open mouthed kisses on his neck; now and then licking where he nips with his teeth a little bit.

"No hickies Darren", Chris says in a low voice. Even though he's not drunk, he feels intoxicated by Darren's scent and presence all around him. He turns his head so his face is to Darren and Darren catches his mouth in a hot, wet kiss. 

"Mmm", Chris moans in Darren's mouth while his hand tightens in Darren's hair. This causes him to tighten his grip on Chris' hips, pulling him even closer and kissing him harder. This in turn causes a whole cycle of warmth and lust enveloping the two of them over and over.

Darren is the one to break the kiss. He looks at Chris; at his now pink, plump lips and he knows what he wants, he knows he wants him.

Chris looks at Darren from under his half closed eyelids. "What?" He asks lazily.

"Do you wanna...?” Darren trails off, knowing Chris would understand what he means.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah", he answers breathily. 

For some reason they both silently agree to go to Chris' house, and before they know it, they're both standing, feverishly kissing and ripping each others' shirts off in Chris' bedroom.

When Darren reaches for Chris' belt, he slows their kissing down. He's tracing the outline of Chris' bottom lip with his tongue then nips where its fullest.

He's kissing him softly, feeling Chris' impatience the way he keeps wanting to deepen the kiss.

He pulls Chris' belt from his pants, the clank of the buckle on the floor loud in the otherwise quiet room; quiet except for their heavy breathing.

He pulls the zipper down and opens his pants to its widest, traces the elastic of Chris' boxer-briefs with his finger and let's it dip into it a bit, teasing the skin there.   
Darren stops kissing him; they're breathing into each others' mouths and its making Chris dizzy with arousal.

"Don't tease me, Dare", comes Chris' voice in the quiet of the room, breathy and heavy with desire.

Darren bites down on Chris' bottom lip the same time he shoves his right hand in Chris' boxer-briefs and starts stroking his hard cock.

Chris' breathe hitches and Darren uses this opportunity to push his tongue into his mouth; their kissing immediately turning dirty. 

He uses his left hand to hold Chris' head in places while fucking his tongue in and out of his mouth; just like he would-like he will when he finally gets to fuck him again. He can hardly wait for it. But for now he's enjoying driving Chris delirious with want.

Chris is moaning and bucking his hips into Darren's hand, trying to keep a rhythm. He realizes his hands are lying limp and decides to put both of it to work on Darren's pants. 

Chris works endlessly to get to Darren's cock. What with the kissing and the warm, very skilled hands on his cock being a (welcome) distraction, he takes a while to actually get Darren's pants open and dick out.

Once his one hand is on Darren's cock and the other holding his pants' flap open, Darren breaks the kiss to start kissing down Chris' neck, "Fuck", he growls, like he can't help it, while biting down on the fleshy part of Chris' neck. 

Darren takes his one hand and pushes it slowly down the back of Chris' pants, trying to get at his ass. 

Once there, he starts squeezing it to the rhythm he got going on Chris' cock. He starts kissing on the other side of Chris' neck, breathing hard as Chris continues to pump his cock.

He slides his middle finger down Chris' crack, lightly teasing at his entrance. This makes Chris breathe in shakily, losing his rhythm on Darren's cock and grab onto his shoulders while he moves his ass closer to Darren's finger, trying to get the tip in. He leans his head forward against Darrens', sinking his fingers in his hair. He pulls him up by his hair, attaching his mouth to Darrens' in a kiss that's pure lust; so much so that it feels as though he has to gulp down air to breathe when he breaks the kiss.

"Fuck...Darren, just fuck me already, God", he says against Darren's mouth.

Darren looks up at him through heavy lidded eyes, his finger still moving over Chris' hole and his other hand still pumping his cock. He pushes out his bottom lip in a pout, "But I wanted to blow you", he mutters against Chris lips then kisses him again.

"You can do it later, just...fuck. Just fuck me". Chris moves his hips forward and backwards in between Darren's hands; panting against Darren's lips as he tries to chase his orgasm, even though he knows Darren won't let him come like this.

Just as Chris is getting really into it, Darren releases his cock and pulls out his other hand; away from his ass. 

Chris let's out a small whimper of protest and his hips moves involuntarily forward to grind against Darren's cock peeking out from his open pants.

Darren puts both of his hands on Chris' hips to stop him from moving and chuckles lowly when Chris whines again. "Asshole" Chris quips as he pulls back to look at Darren's face.

Darren looks back at Chris and bites his bottom lip before he says, "Take these off and turn around", while tugging Chris' (really tight) pants down.

Chris takes it off the rest of the way and watches as Darren does the same to his own pants. He turns around, facing the bed and bends over with his hands on the bed when Darren smooths his hands over his ass and gently pushes on his back. 

"Fuck, your ass man", says Darren from behind him as he squeezes his ass; opening his crack to graze his thumb over his entrance again. 

The gentle circular movement over his entrance causes Chris to clench his muscles and try to move with Darren's finger. The praise causes him to flush down to his neck; making him stick out his ass more as he puts his right knee on the bed.

He looks over his shoulder at Darren whose sole attention is on Chris' ass. "Dare, get the stuff", Chris says softly.

"Wha-? Oh, yes. Yes the stuff. In the bedside drawer right?"

Chris chuckles at Darren's distracted expression. "Yes, in the drawer".

He gives Chris' ass one last squeeze before he moves over to the side of the bed. Chris follows his movements closely. Watching his erection bob heavily between his legs; flushed red and shining at the tip. 

He bites his lip and feels himself clench involuntarily just thinking about having Darren inside him again. 

Its been a while. Its totally stupid of them and he'll probably kick himself tomorrow for giving in again. But right now? Right now he just wants all of Darren again.

His attention goes back to Darren as he hears him rummaging through the drawer. He has found the lube, having put it on the bed, but he's reaching all the way back to find what Chris guesses is a condom.

"I can't find any condoms, Chris", Darren says after a while, a look of frustration on his face.

"Fuck, are you sure?” Chris asks as he gets up from his position on the bed and walks to where Darren is standing. 

"Yeah, pretty sure, urgh", he goes to sit down on the bed with a huff of frustration as he looks at Chris now rummaging through the drawer in a futile search. 

He sees Chris stop looking through the drawer, which is a clear indication he didn't find any condoms.

"I was so sure there was at least two left", Chris says, almost to himself with a confused expression on his face. He leans his naked hip against the drawer and looks at Darren. 

"I...wait, I remember now. I must have used it both when me and W-"

"Aahlalala", Darren sings to drown Chris out, not wanting to hear anything about Chris' sex life with...him. 

He throws himself backwards on the bed. "Fuck, so we can't have sex now?", he asks in a whiny voice as he closes his eyes in annoyance. "Coz I definitly don't have any condoms on me".

Chris gives a soft chuckle at Darren's behavior, and then stalks slowly towards him.

"Weelll", he starts. He sees Darren open one eye and he laughs again. 

He goes to stand between Darren's legs. 

"I am on the Pill...so"

Darren sits up quickly. "Wait, are you sure?"

"What?" Chris asks confused. "Of course I'm sure I'm on the pill"

"No", Darren laughs and pulls Chris closer by his hips."I mean are you sure you want to have sex just so? I know you never wanted to coz you were always so scared"

Chris then climbs slowly onto Darren's lap and straddles him. 

"I'm not anymore. It has never failed me, so", he says with a shrug. He puts both his hands on Darren's face and pulls him closer to kiss him. 

He breaks the kiss and whispers against Darren's lips, "I'm clean, so you know; you can fuck me raw all night".  
Chris feels Darren's cock twitch to life again against his stomach.

Darren grabs onto Chris' ass and squeezes it, pulling him closer and grinding up against his cock.

"Fuck, that's the hottest thing you've ever said", he practically growls.

"I doubt it", Chris laughs and rakes his fingers through Darren's hair. "Are you clean though?"

"Yes…yes. I got tested last week. I haven't done anything since", he says then rushes out, "Can I fuck you now; I'll pull out?”

Chris nods his head and laughs again, but stops abruptly and inhale sharply when he feels a wet finger rubbing at his hole.

The finger rubs up and down and in circles on Chris' hole. He didn't even notice Darren opening the lube, sneaky bastard.

Chris pulls on Darren's hair and looks up to the ceiling, biting his bottom lip.

"Put it in alrea-". He inhales sharply again as he feels Darren pushing in his finger to the hilt and dragging it out again. 

He keeps doing that slowly, until Chris grinds down on the finger Darren has pumping in and out of his ass.

"Come on Darren, don't go so slow. I want your cock in me already"

"Yeah?" Darren asks out of breathe as he licks a strip up Chris' neck, biting lightly on his favorite spot.

Chris nods his head, looking down at Darren. 

He pushes in a second finger and it’s not long before Chris starts moving his ass with Darren's pumping fingers.

Without having to say anything again, Darren pushes in another finger that has Chris ultimately lose his cool demeanor.

"Oh fuck, Darren. Fuck", he says breathlessly, then crashes his lips to Darren's.

After kissing for almost a full minute, while still grinding and moaning, Chris pulls away. 

"Get in me" Chris says, with such conviction that has Darren grind up so hard that he lifts Chris up with his hips.

They both laugh breathily as Chris grabs onto Darren's shoulder so he wouldn't fall off his lap. 

"Settle down, tiger", Chris says as he lifts up to his knees so his ass is aligned with Darren's cock. 

Darren grabs the lube again, squeezes the substance on his hand, and rubs it over his cock. He holds onto Chris' hip with his other hand, and uses his lube covered finger to rub over Chris' entrance.

Chris looks down at Darren while he is working, occasionally biting his lip at the erotic image right in front of him. 

Then Darren looks up into Chris' eyes and Chris is stunned for a moment at the sheer adoration shining from Darren's heavy lidded eyes. 

His breath stutters in his chest as Darren uses the hand on his hip to rub up and down his sides so softly that it sends a shiver down his spine.

Before his mind can go into overdrive about how this isn't supposed to be romantic, he feels Darrens' cock at his entrance; pushing in.

That moment. The moment when Darren pushes in, grabbing his hips and pulling him down onto him. All the while looking at Chris like an open book; Chris reading every thought on his mind so clearly. 

That has always been his favorite moment every time they did this when they were together. It always left his head reeling, his fingers grabbing onto Darren; it left him open to receive Darren in every way possible.

Even though he loves that moment, he also hates it. Especially every time they hooked up after they broke up. However, there isn't much he can do to stop it; and frankly he isn't sure he wants to, though he knows it’s dangerous.

"Chris", come Darren’s' voice with a groan, so soft and loving, when he is fully sheathed inside Chris. 

Chris opens his eyes, not remembering closing it, and looks at Darren again. "Kiss me", he says, not able to move yet. He feels like he'll shatter into pieces right there on Darren's lap at the edge of his bed. 

Darren surges forward and kisses Chris heatedly. When he breaks away, Darren asks in a low, desperate voice, "Can I move please? Please tell me I can move". He kisses his favorite spot in Chris' neck and looks up at him with big, dark eyes.

Chris nods minutely, "move", he says softly. 

A groan leaves his mouth involuntarily when Darren lifts Chris' hips slightly and pushes up into him. His head falls forward and he rests his forehead against Darrens' shoulder as he starts to move his hips with Darren’s' thrusts.

Darren's breath is hot and wet against Chris' ear. His constant 'uh uh uh', every time he pushes into Chris is like erotic music to his ears and makes everything feel more intense.

Darren moves his hands from squeezing Chris' ass every few seconds, up over his back and grabs onto his shoulders.

Chris knows what is coming; they've done this so many times. And even though he knows what is coming, he never is ready for it. All he can do is lift up his head and grab the back of Darren's neck as Darren starts fucking hard up into him, one hand grabbing his shoulder and the other on the bed to keep them from falling. Pulling Chris closer to him, their chests touching as he also pulls Chris down hard to meet his thrusts.

Chris moans Darrens' name and it makes Darren groan and thrust up harder into him. Chris looks up to the ceiling and just takes it, trying to meet Darren thrust for thrust and clenching around him every so often.

Chris loves this. He always have. Not just the sex between Darren and himself. But he loves the heat of their sweaty bodies sliding against each other. He loves the stiffling atmosphere and the smell of their sex in the air. He loves how sweaty Darren gets, how his hair becomes stringy and he can grab onto them; he also loves Darren's response when he does it. He loves how low Darren's voice gets, how he swears he can feel its vibrations right to his core.

Darren wasn't his first, but he was the only one that could fill him so completely. Not just physically, but wholeheartedly. He feels complete with Darren in him, around him.

These kinds of thoughts are very dangerous, though he has no control over them.

He feels Darren slowing down and it overwhelms him. With his eyes still closed and looking up, he rakes his fingers through Darrens' hair and massages his scalp. 

Darren moans and kisses and nibbles on his neck. The hand that were on Chris' shoulders caresses softly down and over his shoulder blade, down his side and squeezes on his hips, where his other hand meets up.

The soft touches and sweet kisses while they are still moving, grinding, feels too much. 

Chris is suddenly filled with so much adoration and love for this man under him that he feels his eyes start to burn with brimming tears and he bites his lip to keep it at bay

He keeps grinding onto Darren and looks down to where he is kissing his collarbone, and then moving down to suck on his nipple.

When Darren looks up, Chris feels caught off guard. Not only because he feels caught somehow, but because of the look in Darren's eyes.

Darren is looking at him like he loves him. Chris knows it because this look was usually accompanied by Darren saying I love you.

He's so scared that Darren will say it now that when Darren just moves his lips slightly, Chris inhales sharply and an involuntary sob rocks through chest.

Darren is immediately there, his one hand on Chris' cheek, wiping a tear away that Chris feels had no business falling.

"What is it, baby?” Darren asks so softly it makes Chris want to weep.

More tears start to fall and Chris can see its alarming Darren. All he can do is shake his head.

"Hey, hey, hey. Chris, baby? What is it? Did I hurt you?” Darren asks worriedly.

"No you didn't. Its nothing. Please, just kiss me", Chris says. He can't really explain what he is feeling and he doesn't want to dwell on it. 

This was supposed to just be a hookup. He doesn't want to get into feelings right now. In the long run these feelings didn't matter and that is why they aren't together.

He pulls Darren's face closer to him. "Are you sure?", Darren asks against Chris' lips. The hand that was on Chris' cheek moves and rubs Chris' arm, down to his side and rests on his hip again.

"Yes…Please", Chris replies pleadingly.

As Darren surges forward and catches Chris' lips with his own, he simultaneously turns them on the bed so that Chris' head is resting on a pillow; pulling out of Chris in the process.

He has to break the kiss as he crawls up over Chris' waiting body as Chris open his legs wide to accommodate Darren. He easily slides back into Chris; Chris' back arching up as he settles inside him.

Darren rests his hands on both sides of Chris' head as he looks down on this man that he will probably never stop loving. Chris' lips are red and plump, his cheeks red from crying. He moves slowly in and out of Chris, occasionally grinding into him; making Chris clench around him. 

He wants to ask him again if he is okay. He knows this is just a hookup, but he still cares about Chris a lot. 

As if reading Darren's mind, Chris reaches up Darren's arms, rubbing over the flexed muscles and around to his neck, pulling him down so that he can kiss him.

Once he breaks away from the kiss, Chris looks up at him and says reassuringly, "Darren, I'm okay. Just...just fuck me please".

Chris looks at him, almost begging Darren to not say or ask anything more. Darren eventually gives in. "Okay", he says and kisses Chris again, lowering his body onto Chris, down to his forearms.

As the kiss deepens so does Darren's thrusts. Eventually they have to break the kiss and Darren buries his face in Chris neck, right where his favorite spot is. He promptly starts to kiss and bite the spot, making Chris dig his short nails into Darren’s' shoulder blades.

Darrens' thrust starts to get deeper and longer, and soon he is fucking into Chris' prostate, making the latter groan loud in Darren's ear.

"Don't stop. Right there", Chris orders breathily against Darrens' sweaty hair. 

Darren lifts his head up and looks at Chris' blissed out expression, his mouth open as he is breathing hard. He lifts up to his knees and pulls Chris' legs over his shoulder, bending him in half as he moves down to kiss him again.

As Darren starts to piston right into his prostate, Chris breaks the kiss loudly and gasps for air. 

"There?” asks Darren with amusement.

Chris laughs breathily, "Assho-urgh! I'm close. Darren I'm close".

"Okay baby, I got you". Darren takes Chris' cock in his one hand and starts to pump him to the same rhythm as he is fucking into him. 

Darren feels his own orgasm creeping up, and Chris constantly clenching around him makes him believe he won't last very long.

"Oh fuck, Chris", Darren says as he watches as Chris' orgasm crash over him. 

"Fuck fuck fuck", Chris manages to get out as he is overcome with the overpowering pleasure surging through his body, making him feel asthough he is made up entirely of pleasurable energy.

He was right; he wasn't going to last long. This is Darren's last thought before he sees white and his body clench up with the force of his orgasm crashing through him like waves over and over again. Chris is milking him for all his got and he feels as though his orgasm can go on forever.

Chris' orgasm feels like it is non-stop. Everytime Darren moves minutely forward, he grazes Chris' prostate and that sends little shocks through Chris' sensitive body. 

He can't remember the last time he came this hard. 

Darren lets Chris' legs fall to his sides and falls gently forward into Chris' open arms, his face against his favorite spot. He is out of breath and breathing hard. He feels like he can sleep right here on Chris.

He feels Chris caressing his sweaty hair. He knows Chris is saying something, but he can't make out what it is. "Hmm?” he eventually asks as he lifts up his head and looks at Chris.

"I said you should breathe. You always forget to breathe when you come", Chris answers with a soft chuckle. Darren pushes his face back into Chris' neck with a chuckle of his own and a flushing face; adorably shy. 

After a comfortable silence with both of them just enjoying the afterglow and keeping reality at bay, Darren eventually lifts himself up and goes to pull out of Chris.

He feels a wetness as his cock leaves Chris' body and he looks down and freezes. "Of fuck".

"What is it?” Chris asks as he sits up and Darren sits on his knees in front of Chris' open legs.

"Uhm, I forgot to pull out". He rubs his hands over his face and through his hair, then looks up to Chris with a worried expression. "I was so caught up in everything, and I haven't come that hard in...in a long time. I totally forgot to pull out, fuck. Chris, I'm so sorry. I'll go and buy a plan B tomorrow I swear...", Darren rambles but stops as Chris shuffles forward on his knees until he's sitting with his knees touching Darren's. Darren looks up to Chris with a guilty expression.

"Darren, I told you I'm on the Pill. We don't have to worry", Chris says reassuringly.

"I know, but I told you I would pull out and I hate not doing what I-". Darren shuts up as Chris kisses him.

"I'm on the Pill. The Pill always works, so don't worry. Let's go clean up", Darren looks at Chris as Chris gets up from the bed and hold out his hand.

"Come on, Dare. Stop worrying. Come shower with me". Chris' confidence is contagious and Darren can't help but smile at Chris' cheekiness as he pulls Darren with him to the shower.

Needless to say, they didn't sleep much after that and there were no more worries that night.   
===


End file.
